Three preachers died and went to heaven. While waiting for St. Peter to let them in a SWIFT and J.B. HUNT driver show up and St. Peter makes the preachers step aside. This baffled the preachers so they asked. " We've been preaching the good word our whole life, and you make us step aside and let these truckers in before us?" St. Peter replied, "In their first year of driving they have scared "the hell" out of more people then you ever preached to." When you come back after a week on the road and he is still trying to back out of the driveway. Every New Guy Leaves After Ninety Days 30 Gallons Of Orange Paint We Employ Rednecks No Experience Required A Years Worth Of Experience! You Start With Two Million! A couple were in thier bed ready to make love when their four year old son walked in an asked Daddy can I ride on your back, The Dad said no, when the wife told her husband it's OK honey he doesn't know whats going on, so he agreed. As they got in to the throws of passion and the wife started moaning and breathing heavy the little boy said, Daddy you better hold on yesterday when she did that me and the Milkman both almost hit the floor. Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
=======================================How do you know when your wife is messing with a Swift Driver?
=======================================What Does ENGLAND Stand For?
=======================================What's The Difference Between JB Hunt & Schneider?
=======================================What does WERNER Stand For?
=======================================What Do You Call 365 Swift Trucks Traveling The Same Direction?
=======================================How Do You Make A Million Dollars In Trucking?
=======================================Can I Ride
=======================================The President''s Puzzle
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
=======================================
Truck drivers interview joke
Two truck drivers applied for a job. One said, “I’m Joe and this is my partner, John; when I drive at night, he sleeps.”
The foreman said, “all right, I’ll give you and oral test. It’s two o’clock in the morning. You’re on a little bridge and your truck is loaded with nitroglycerin. All of a sudden a truck comes toward you at about 70 miles per hour. What’s the first thing you do?”
Joe said; “I wake up my partner, John. He never saw a wreck like this before.
=======================================
Police ticket
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
=======================================
Trucker, Priest & Lawyer
A truck driver hated lawyers so much that whenever he saw one he would run him over. One day, he picked up a priest who was hitch-hiking. On their way into town, the driver spotted a lawyer on the pavement, and drove straight towards him to knock him down. The priest, alarmed by such driving opened the door as if to jump out. Suddenly the driver remembered who was in the truck with him and, at the last moment, swerved to miss the lawyer. 'I am sorry, Father,' he confessed. 'I almost hit that lawyer.' The priest smiled and said: 'Don't worry, my son. I got him with the door.'
Chicago Trucking Your Guide To Chicago Trucking Companies!!!
Guide To Chicago Trucking Companies
Jokes
10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer
- 10. The monitor is up on blocks.
- 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
- 8. The six front keys have rotted out.
- 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
- 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
- 5. The password is "Bubba".
- 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
- 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
- 2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
- 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
| Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin | ||
 | ||
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" | ||
Guy writes to tech support
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began running unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Monday Night football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me please?
Thanks,
Joe
——————————————————–
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Jewelry 2.2, and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Why ???
> > Why, Why, Why,
is it we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
> > Why is it banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
> > Why is it someone believes you when you say there are four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say the paint is wet on that door?
> > Why is it they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
> > Why is it Tarzan doesn't have a beard?
> > Why is it Superman stops bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
> > Why is it Kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
> > Why is it If people evolved from apes, there are still apes?
> > Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
> > Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
> > Why is it people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized in there?
> > Why is it people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
> > Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the end on your first try?
> > How did those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures anyhow?
> > When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why is it we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
> > Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?
> > Why is it in winter do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
> > WHY IS IT you never hear father-in-law jokes?
> > The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
>>If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year- why do they have locks on the doors?
>>Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways
is it we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
> > Why is it banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
> > Why is it someone believes you when you say there are four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say the paint is wet on that door?
> > Why is it they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
> > Why is it Tarzan doesn't have a beard?
> > Why is it Superman stops bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
> > Why is it Kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
> > Why is it If people evolved from apes, there are still apes?
> > Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
> > Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
> > Why is it people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized in there?
> > Why is it people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
> > Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the end on your first try?
> > How did those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures anyhow?
> > When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why is it we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
> > Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?
> > Why is it in winter do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
> > WHY IS IT you never hear father-in-law jokes?
> > The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
>>If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year- why do they have locks on the doors?
>>Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways
